Never Leave Me Again
by Huurreturkki
Summary: "I think that's all I wanted to say", he said at last, his voice small and a bit shaky too. "I'm going to miss you so bad." I could feel panic rising inside me when I realized what was making me so edgy. This scenery reminded me too much of a farewell.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **This is an old story from last year which I wanted to write again. English isn't my mother tongue, so I'm sorry for any mistakes! I hope you like this one and give it a try and I'd love to hear what do you think! I'ts going to be a multichapter, and don't worry, there's always a happy ending :) !

I don't own The Mentalist.

* * *

**Never Leave Me Again**

I should've known something was going on. I should've stopped him, I should've helped him. After that another failed attempt to catch Red John, I knew something changed. But I just couldn't figure out what.

So when he came to my office that morning smiling that sad smile, my chest hurt. I could already feel that something was happening, but couldn't put my finger on it.

But he just wanted us to go out that night. The whole team, have some fun. It was weird, because although we all loved to go out together, we did that far too rarely. And Jane wasn't usually the one to suggest it.

There was something about him that made me feel unease. He smiled but that smile didn't reach his eyes. There was sadness in his eyes and somehow I felt he was slipping away and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just wished I understood what was going on.

But it seemed like all my worries were in vain because it was a lovely evening and we all had such a great time. Jane surprised me by being his normal self. He was smiling widely, joking and making everybody laugh and my heart felt so light watching him. I was so relieved to see him being happy once again and I could stop worrying about him. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders and after a while I could finally relax and enjoy the night.

"Having fun suits you", Jane laughed at me, when we were on the dance floor. I have no idea what I was doing there but I was laughing so hard watching Cho do Gangnam Style. Then Jane and Rigsby joined him and it was one of the funniest thing I've ever seen. My head felt light from alcohol and I had such a great time.

Rest of the night is only a warm blur filled with familiar faces and mostly Jane's. His voice, his touch, his eyes. I can remember him holding my hand more than once.

But all good things come to an end and finally we called it a night. When everyone else had left Jane and I were standing at my front door saying goodnight.

"Thanks for the party", I said happily. "I could never imagine I could have this much fun when you're around, but I did, so I guess I have to thank you for that."

"Glad to be of service", he laughed and gave me one of his gorgeous smiles, which then slowly turned into something else. I suddenly realized that it was the same sad smile on his lips, I thought he had lost it tonight, but it came back. I felt disappointment creep all over me.

"Didn't you have fun?" I asked and he just smiled apologetically.

"Of course I did. It was nice watching you have fun. You've been so tense, you should relax a lot more. And you're a pretty good dancer when you let yourself go."

"I could say the same about you", I laughed back.

We stood there for a while and Jane seemed a bit lost in thought. His face got suddenly more serious.

"You have to promise me, Teresa, that you'll take care of yourself. You should be able to enjoy life and have fun. Can you promise me that?"

I raised my eyebrows surprised by this sudden turn of conversation. Where did that come from?

"Yeah, I guess", I said frowning slightly. "And you should do the same."

He didn't seem to hear me. He looked away and I started to feel a bit worried. I thought we had so much fun but now all the lightness and happiness is gone and I'm suddenly getting a bit nervous.

"And I really had fun tonight", he continued still not looking at me. "And I just want you to know that I'm really grateful to you. For everything."

Then he looked at me with a sad smile which made me more anxious. What was he talking about?

"And whatever happens from now on, you have to promise me to stay strong and take care of yourself. And the team. And be happy. Because I want nothing more than you to be happy –"

"Jane", I cut him off with a voice that didn't sound like mine. Something about him and his words made me nervous and I wanted him to stop. "Don't be silly, I'm fine and you're just a bit drunk. Nothing's going to happen to me, I'm okay."

He just looked at me and then smiled again. Again that sad, apologetic smile. Oh how I hated it already.

"I think that's all I wanted to say", he said at last, his voice small and a bit shaky too. "I'm going to miss you so bad."

I could feel panic rising inside me when I realized what was making me so edgy. This scenery reminded me too much of a farewell.

"What are you talking about?" I asked a bit panicky but he just shook his head. "Jane, go to bed and we'll see tomorrow morning at the office, okay? "

He didn't answer.

"Okay?" I asked again afraid and he just smiled and suddenly wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight hug. Now it really did feel like a farewell and I almost felt like crying. He had never hugged me like that before, he hold me so tightly for such a long time. The warmth of his body and the scent of his aftershave made my head spin and when he finally released me I felt a bit breathless. He used that to escape.

"I'll see you in the morning, okay partner?" I called after him but he didn't turn around anymore. I could hear his soft laughter fading into the night.

And then he was gone.

* * *

Still replaying last night in my head over and over again, I arrive at the CBI the next day afraid but hopeful. But as I already knew, he's nowhere to be seen.

I knew it, I just knew it, but I refused to believe it. I check his attic and his couch and my office. I phone him but it goes straight to the answer machine. I can't believe this. I just can't.

He left. He really did left.

And although I kind of knew it, after what he said to me last night, it still hurts. That once again, he couldn't confide in me.

I walk back to my office feeling numb and suddenly notice a little piece of paper on my desk. I fold it open and it says: "Teresa, I'm so sorry. I had to do this. I'll always love you."

So here I am, still sitting in my office, staring into nothingness, when my team comes to work. I just can't think straight. All the questions are spinning around in my head making me more worried and sad and frustrated. Why he left, and where he left and is he coming back? What does this all mean? Why couldn't he tell me? And so on.

I keep replaying last night in my head. His words, his face, his smile…

I should've known. I should've known something was wrong. Why didn't I stop him, why was I so stupid? Why didn't I stop him when I still had the chance?

I look at the message in my hands once again. And what is this supposed to mean? I love you? What kind of sick game is this? Doesn't he realize what those words mean to me, why now, why -

No. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn around. It's better not to think about it. It's better not to think at all.

Finally I go to the bullpen and tell my team that Jane's gone. There's questions that I have no answer for and after that we just sit in silence all lost in our own thoughts.

On top of everything Bertram comes to the bullpen and asks us all to sit down. He has something important to tell us (from all the mornings why it has to be this one) but I can't concentrate on work. I just keep thinking about last night and Jane's face and the note he left me and feel the frustration grow unbearable.

"I don't know how to tell you this", Bertram starts seriously. I roll my eyes. Is he going to fire someone or why so dramatic? "So I think I should just say it. It's Jane."

"He left, we know already", I say blankly. "He left a message telling us that he was going to go."

"A message?" Bertram turns to me. "What kind of message?"

There is no way I'm going to show him my I Love you message. So I just say that the message said that he was sorry and he had to do it. The usual stuff.

"Who knows where he is or when he is coming back", I continue wearily. "I've been trying to contact him but it's just the same as last time with Vegas. Well, at least this time he left a message so I think we're getting somewhere and –"

"Lisbon, please listen to me."

I lift my gaze. Bertram's got a weird look on his face. He seems sad, apologetic, in pain somehow and I just wonder why.

"Jane didn't leave. He killed himself last night."

There's a long silence and I just stare at Bertram like I didn't understand what he just said. After a while I realize that Van Pelt has started to sob and Rigsby has put his arms around her for comfort. They are both looking at me and it seems they've been talking to me for a while.

"I'm so sorry", Van Pelt says through her tears and I can feel Cho putting his hand on my shoulder. I barely understand what's happening, I feel so unreal.

"We're so sorry, Boss", he says and I just look at them all unable to react in any way.

"No, it's okay", I say quickly and give a little smile. "I just need to –"

Before I realize I'm walking briskly to the elevator. There's still a smile on my face and all I can think about, is that I have to get away. Now, before I fall apart.

But before the lift comes, Cho reaches me. He comes to stand in front of me and demands me to look him in the eyes.

"Let me go", I say angrily and try to get past him, but he takes hold of my hands and gently spins me to face him again. And I know I'm not going to get away anymore.

"Lisbon", he pleads with a pained look. "Don't. You have to let it out."

I just look at him, take a deep breath and slowly rest my head on his shoulder.

Then I shatter into pieces.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Thank you so much for all the reviews, favourites and follows! They're highly appreciated! First I thought that I'd update this story once a week but I'm too impatient for that, so here goes Chapter 2, I hope you like it :) !

* * *

"You okay?"

Tommy stands just beside me. He looks at me sympathetically and I can feel Annie taking hold of my hand and squeezing it lightly. They're both so worried about me it makes me sick.

"Yes", I answer immediately. I'm so tired of people asking me if I'm okay and if everything is alright. And they always give me that same sad and apologetic look and I hate it. I just wish that everyone would leave me alone and stop treating me like a widow.

Because every time someone brings up my pain and loss, they remind me of him and I just can't take it. So, I wear a mask and smile and say that I'm okay and thank you and then walk away, before anyone can see.

I'm not going to let anyone make me think about him. I hate when people speak his name around me. I don't want to hear it, it makes the pain so much worse. It's easier to block it all out.

And that's what I've been doing these last weeks while organizing his funeral. Falling apart at the office and crying my heart out against Cho's shoulder was the last and only time I really grieved him and cried over him. I still do, far more often than I want to, but blocking everything out gets easier day by day. I know I can't go on like this forever, but right now it's the only thing I can do to be able to go on.

We're all standing beside his grave and putting down our flowers. Everyone's saying such kind words to him but I can't listen to them, so I close my eyes and take a deep breath and try very hard not to think about anything.

Annie puts hers and Tommy's flowers down and she wipes the tears away from her face. She seems always so grown up and tough but right now she seems like a six year old and I just want to give her a tight hug. I never realized even she'd miss him like this.

She says something beautiful through her tears but her last words make me shiver.

"I just wish you hadn't left Aunt Reese like this. She misses you so much. You were so important to her."

Annie walks away from the grave and I realize it's my turn. I walk next to his grave feeling numb. I put down my flowers but say nothing. I don't even cry. It feels like everyone is waiting for me to say something really heart-breaking and burst into tears but those words and tears are not for them and finally they start to walk away from the graveyard.

"I'll be there in a minute", I whisper to Tommy and he gives me a worried look but says nothing. I turn my eyes back to Jane's grave and watch his name engraved in stone.

Although I fight to ignore the pain, it takes over. My chest aches and I can hardly breathe.

"Hi", I whisper quietly to him with a shaky voice. "I'm so sorry. I can't think about you, it makes everything so much worse, but you've been through the same so you understand. Maybe someday I'm ready to remember you without the pain, but not yet. I just hope you're with Angela and Charlotte. I hope you're finally happy and free, wherever you are."

I stare at the grave and feel tears burning in my eyes but I blink them away angrily.

"I'm pretty sure you always knew how much I loved you. I just wish I could have had the chance to tell you it myself."

I want to say something more, tell him all the things I loved about him, how much I miss him and tell him just how sorry I am. I also want to yell at him for doing this, I wish he'd given me a chance to say goodbye. I wish he'd given me a chance to say all the things left unsaid. I wish he hadn't given up.

There's so much I want to say to him, but he's not here anymore. He's not going to hear me, he's not going to care so I turn away and leave.

* * *

"It was a beautiful funeral", I can hear Van Pelt saying. We've all returned back to work and I'm so happy about that. Just sitting alone in my home was too much, I couldn't bear all the thoughts and memories and all the silence. So I blocked everything out and instead started running every day. I started early in the morning and didn't finish until late in the evening, so tired that my feet failed me.

But still I couldn't fall into a dreamless sleep. I could block the pain out when I was awake but in my dreams…

I really don't want to think about them.

"I really loved it." I snap back to the reality realizing Van Pelt is still talking to me. "It was just what Jane would have wanted. Thank you for that, Lisbon."

I just stare numbly at Van Pelt. That's what she's been doing constantly since she returned. Talking about Jane with everybody. About the funeral, about how much she misses him and I just can't take it. Why does everyone have to talk about him all the time? It makes blocking out the pain almost impossible.

"I still miss him so bad", she sighs and I can see tears starting to gather in her eyes. "It feels so empty without him. He really was a part of a family, a really big part, I can't even imagine how you must feel like –"

I stand up in the middle of her sentence and walk away before she falls apart.

* * *

"These are for you."

I take one of the boxes from Cho and peek inside and immediately wish I hadn't. There's Jane's belongings. I can see his tea mug and his suit jacket and all the Red John files and everything. For a while I'm afraid that the pain takes over, but I've blocked everything away so carefully for such a long time now, so I'm not going to break. My mask is as perfect as ever.

"Why?" I just ask unable to put the box away, although I know I should. I can already feel a familiar scent of him coming from his suit jacket. It's not that strong, but it lingers in the air and makes my heart ache in a way I can't take.

"You were his closest family", Cho just says. "We all thought you'd want these. And he'd want you to have them."

Of course I don't want them, because they'll make the pain worse. They'll make me think about him and I'm not ready for that. I will never be ready for that.

But when he says, that Jane would have wanted me to have these, how can I say no? I'd do anything for him and Cho knows that.

"Thank you", I just say and take all the boxes. Cho's got that "I'm here, if you want to talk" – expression on his face, apologetic and sad. They all have been looking at me with that expression for far too long. I don't need their pity, I don't need their words, I just need to be left alone.

"You want to talk about it?" he asks just in case but my mask is back.

"Never."

I walk away from him and back to my office and put the boxes away. I know I'm not going to open them for a long time, I'm just going to pretend that they're not there.

I try to concentrate on my work and I thought coming back to work would make me feel better. But it doesn't, because this is the place where I spent every single day with him. I can almost see him making his tea in the break room, I can hear his laughter, I can see him sleeping on his couch.

I haven't been to his attic because it reminds me too much of him. But now every place reminds me of him. My gaze wanders to my own couch and it feels like he's here too.

I can't try to pretend that he has never been here. He's part of everything in here. He's a part of me that I can never forget, never let go.

I bury my face into my hands and try to think. I know I should grieve him properly, I can't keep on blocking the pain out forever, it will happen sooner or later. I have to walk right through the pain, there's no escaping it.

Was this how he felt after Angela died? I keep thinking. Was the pain of losing someone you loved, from the bottom of your heart, really this unbearable? Would it ever go away?

I stare at the papers on my desk but can't concentrate. I can feel panic bubbling inside me and I need something to distract me. I can't think about him or I start to cry. Now, quickly, do something else. But what, what is there left for me to do without -

Suddenly it flashes in front of me like a lightning. I rise and take one of the boxes and not looking at his other things I grab all his Red John files. How could I've not thought about this earlier? It's been only a few months after his death but still, I should've figured out this a lot sooner.

There's still something for me too. My final gift to him. I'll make him free, once and for all, I owe him that much.

I'll finish his revenge for him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Thanks again for all the reviews and follows! It's been wonderful to hear all your opinions and I really hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing this :D There's a lot more to come! Btw, I'm leaving town this weekend so I'm not going to have my computer around, so there's going to be a little break from updating. But don't worry, I haven't forgotten you or this story, and I'll update as soon as I have the chance! But here's Chapter 3 for you :)

* * *

It's been eight months since Jane's death, but I really haven't noticed the time passing. I'm so caught up in trying to catch Red John that I've lost all my sense of time.

Every single day I go through all the files searching for his mistakes, searching for clues. I've taken Jane's attic to my Red John office and I kind of understand why he liked to come here. This place really gives you all the silence you need, a chance to be all alone and concentrate on your work and nothing else.

And through these months I've started to understand his obsession better, too, because right now, I'm just like him. I have no life, Red John is the only thing that matters now. It's funny how all these years I wanted to catch Red John, but now it's more than that. Now I must, I need to. Revenge makes everything feel so much different.

And it somehow feels soothing to go through all the files again and again, trying to make a breakthrough, because being obsessed with revenge, I don't have to think about anything else.

I haven't shut out my team completely, because they've been helping me with the hunt for Red John and of course we work together still. But nothing's the same anymore. Through the first half year after Jane's death they wanted me to talk about him, wanted me to grieve him but I just couldn't take it. And finally they gave up trying and we stopped talking. Completely.

I know my team talked a lot about Jane through those months and they all got over his death one by one. They all have dealt with their pain and accepted his death.

I haven't. Every time they started talking, I had to leave, because I couldn't take it. It has been eight months, but still I haven't grieved for him properly. I've been blocking everything out and with concentrating on catching Red John it has been fairly easy.

But sometimes it scares me when I see myself through my team's eyes. There's nothing more than Red John, nothing more than this obsession. I work endless hours, I don't sleep or eat well, I don't take care of myself, I look terrible.

I look like he looked when I first met him. And that should scare me, because I know this is not healthy, but I'm too deep already. I have accepted that this is my life now. Only Red John, nothing else. After Red John it'll all be different. It has to.

As I walk to the bullpen, I feel sad seeing my team being like a family and knowing that I'm not part of them anymore. I try to convince myself that it's easier this way.

I just keep telling myself that when Red John is dead, I can let go. That the pain will fade away when Jane is free and at peace.

Finally, a little over year after Jane's death, Red John starts killing again, but this time it's sloppy and hasty. He seems to have lost it. Like nothing makes sense. Like he wants to get caught. He makes some pretty stupid mistakes and we're able to track him down.

Everything happens too easy and I just wonder why he wants us to find him. Is this some kind of trap? Or why does he suddenly want to get caught?

As I stand in front him with my gun raised, he just sits there on his chair in a dark basement and seems like a man who's lost his reason to live. He doesn't try to fight or escape, he just looks at me and continues his monologue through his tears.

"How could he do this to me?" he asks me over and over again. I didn't know what to expect from this final showdown with the demon, who we've chased for far too long, but surely I wasn't prepared for this. "What reason do I have to keep on killing, when my favorite toy is gone? How could he do this to me? All my killing is now in vain. I had so many lovely surprises for him. Our game hadn't even started; the best part was yet to come."

He sighs heavily. I feel sick realizing that I'm not the only one still grieving for Jane. Red John actually misses him. He's actually sad over Jane's death.

What is wrong with this world?

"You were one of those surprises", he continues completely unaware of my shock. "I wanted to kill you and see how much it would hurt him. I had so many different ways and I was just waiting for the right moment. Maybe after he'd told you about his feelings? But he never had the chance to do that, did he?"

My mask is shaking a bit but I bite my lip and say nothing.

Red John isn't looking at me. I'm not even sure he realizes I'm here to kill him. He just shakes his head and wipes his tears away. I can't believe this pathetic sad man is really the same serial killer we've been chasing. It doesn't make any sense.

"But killing you now makes no difference. Killing anyone he ever loved – it won't do any good. He's gone. He won this game, he won me, dying by his own hand! I can't take it! I need him, agent. I just want to him to come back. I miss him so much."

I say nothing. I have nothing to say. I wait with my gun, so I can shoot him in self-defense.

"In my own way, I loved him", he says sadly. "Maybe not as much as you did, but still. You must think that's weird? But love is strange, you'll never understand it, it just happens. He was a dear friend to me. I just want to play with him again."

He looks at me with tortured eyes and I feel sick. I thought he would be happy that Jane died, that he'd laugh at me, that he'd hurt me more. But it was never me he was playing with but Jane. And now that Jane's gone, he has no one to play with.

"He's not coming back", he finally says. "All this time I waited, hoped, but now I know, he's gone. For good. You and I both have to start dealing with it."

"Shut up", I say coldly, tears suddenly burning in my eyes. I blink them rapidly away and he gives me a little mocking smile. "Don't you ever dare talk about him after all the pain you've caused him. This is your fault. It's your fault he's dead! You deserve your pain and so much more."

My hands are shaking and I try to calm down. Red John just looks at me.

"I want it to be over", he says and takes his gun and aims at me but doesn't really try to fire me, he just wants it to be over. And I'm more than glad to grant his final wish. Gunshots echo in the silence and I watch as Red John falls.

It's over.

My heart beats loudly in my chest and I breathe heavily in and out still not believing what just happened. I wait for something. I wait for relief or happiness or pain but nothing comes. There's just cold emptiness inside me.

"Now you're finally free", I whisper but Jane doesn't answer me. I hope wherever he is, he still hears me somehow.

I lower my gun and finally feel a smile coming to my lips. Jane's free, I did it. I finished his revenge for him, now he can finally rest in peace.

When Cho and Rigsby reach the basement, I feel faint and light-headed and can hardly register what's happening. There are voices, flashlights pointed at me, Van Pelt hugging me tightly and telling me how afraid she was to lose me too. I hug her back while more people enter the basement. The sirens are howling in the distance.

The only thing I can think about is that it's over. It's finally over.

When we return to the office, the shock has faded away and everyone seems to realize what this means. It's over, he's dead. We won. There are tears of joy and laughter and glasses raised and everyone's just so overwhelmed.

And they toast for Jane and laugh and cry at the same time.

After a while, I slowly walk away from the party and retreat to my attic and just sit there God knows how long. I thought killing Red John would change everything, that the pain would fade away and I'd be ready to let Jane go. I'm so happy that he's free, but…

But I'm still not.

I drive home and go to my bed. I stare at the ceiling trying very hard not to think about him, but it's too late. Everything crashes over me like a tidal wave, all the memories, all the little moments, all the hidden smiles, all the pain, all the words left unsaid, everything just breaks free.

I let the tears come and scream to my pillow, wanting it all to be over. His face is so vivid, so beautiful, so alive that I'd give anything to touch it.

After a year of blocking everything out I thought the memories would have faded. But it feels like the more I tried to fight against them, the more powerful they got. They are so crystal clear, so precise, so vivid. Everything is there, everything is so alive, and it makes me almost believe that he's here.

Tears keep running down my face as I get out of my bed. I know I shouldn't do this, but the pain is too unbearable.

I open my closet and take his suit jacket down, bury my face into it and try to catch his scent, try to get some comfort. I hug the jacket tightly and try to imagine him holding me.

But his scent is long gone. His jacket is just constantly wet from my tears.

I turn off the light, curl up in a ball, hug his jacket tightly against my chest and pray for a dreamless night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Hey everyone, I'm back again! Sorry for this little break from updating, next chapter will be updated sooner :) And next week my summer holiday starts, so I'll be able to write a lot more! I originally planned this story to have only about four chapters but now it looks like there will be about eight chapters or so. I hope that's not a bad thing :) !

* * *

We killed Red John only few days ago and already I'm starting to lose it. When I chased Red John, I had a purpose, something that made me keep on going.

Now I have nothing to keep Jane with me and I should let him go, his vengeance is over, he's free. He's at peace and he's with his family and everything is as it should be. I should be happy for him and for us: the nightmare's finally over. I thought by killing Red John I'd free myself too, that I'd be able to move on.

I was such a fool. The pain's never going to go away.

Tommy calls me that afternoon. I invited him and Annie to a big CBI party at the end of this month and luckily he said yes. The party's going to be a massive event with lots of people gathered together to rejoice Red John's death. But the other reason for the party is to honor Jane's memory and I'm not so excited about that part.

I don't pay that much attention to our conversation while channel surfing at the same time but suddenly I realize Tommy has been silent for a while.

"Tommy, is something wrong?"

"I'm so tired of this", he says frustrated. "You are like a zombie. You can't go on like this forever. It seems like you're getting worse every day and I'm so sick of it."

This surprises me. Where did that come from? Tommy and I don't usually talk about feelings. He is clearly really upset.

"What is this all about?" I ask a bit defensively. "What have I done now?"

"It's not that", he continues angrily. "You haven't done anything and that's the problem. You're good at hiding your emotions but I can see right through you, I can see that deep down you're still as messed up as you were at his funeral. This is just not healthy anymore. I mean, you guys weren't even a couple, you shouldn't stop living because he's not here anymore!"

There's a stunned silence as his words sink in.

"No, we were not a couple", I say finally, trying to hide how hurt I am. I really don't want to talk about him and especially not with Tommy, but he gives me no choice.

"We were not together, you're right, but I don't think it changes the fact, that he was important to me in many ways. Am I not allowed to grieve for him just because we weren't together? That's a bit unfair, Tommy."

Tommy falls silent and I continue.

"Besides, I'm not even grieving anymore. Like I said, I'm okay. You're just imagining things. I'm fine."

"I know you're not okay", he cuts me off clearly not listening to a word I say. "I didn't know him that well or I didn't know what was going on between you two, but I know you. We grew up in a family where talking was not allowed. That's why you and I never talk."

"We're talking now", I say trying to get him away from the subject. I know where this is going.

"You know what I mean. And this is just what happened with mom. That's why I'm so worried."

He falls silent. I know it took a lot from him to go there.

"She was my mom", I say flatly. "That's different."

"No, it's not. It's your way to grieve, I've seen it. You block everything out, you try to act like nothing happened, keep up the brave face. That's what you've been doing now, am I right? You just block everything out as long as you can. We both know where that leads us."

I feel a wave of anger washing over me. We don't talk about mom or what happened and it's unfair of Tommy to bring it up.

"I was a teenage girl", I snap. "It has nothing to do with who I am now."

"It has", Tommy insists. "After two years of blocking out the pain of losing your mother, one day you just exploded. Maybe it had something to do with being fourteen and all the pressure of raising us three, but still. You know the hell you had to go through after that. You can avoid it this time, you have to. Let the pain out before it rips you apart."

"How?" I ask angrily. "By talking about him with you? Okay, so let's talk. Wait, I have to get my tissues in case I start to cry."

"Please, Reese", he sighs giving up. "Okay, I understand, you don't want to talk about it with me. But please, talk with someone."

I don't answer, I'm still angry.

"I'm sorry, Reese", he pleads, sounding really apologetic now. "I didn't mean it like that, I'm just so worried about you."

He falls silent for a while, trying to find the words.

"This is all just so unfair to you", he finally says. "I feel so bad for you and there's nothing I can do. You don't talk about him so I can't offer to talk with you and I don't know what else is there."

"I'm okay", I say to him again. Why can't people understand those words? "Really, Tommy, you shouldn't worry. I'm alright. I'm a big girl. I'm getting over it."

I don't know if he believes me but he's more than happy to switch the subject.

Tommy isn't the only one worrying about me. Now that Red John is finally gone, now that I've done the last thing I could for Jane, my team is trying to help me again. I don't understand why, I know I'm not feeling that great but I haven't showed it to anyone. No one should know how messed up I still am, no one should worry.

But maybe Jane was right all along. I have no dishonesty in me, so clearly I'm not fooling anyone.

Van Pelt stops me at the elevator after a long day. I can already see in her face where this is going.

"Lisbon, you can't go on like this", she starts anxiously as soon as the lift doors close. I roll my eyes, I knew this would come. I'm pretty sure what she's going to say next. "I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. And I know Jane meant far more to you than O'Laughlin ever did to me, but still."

Well I must admit I wasn't expecting that one. Is she comparing her and Craig to me and Jane?

"You can't pretend like his death never happened. You have to talk about it, believe me, I know. You have to grieve for him properly in order to move on. You can't block him out forever. You know what happened when I did."

I feel sick just thinking of Jane coming back to haunt me. What if I started to see him like he saw his daughter? As a hallucination?

For a while I'm stunned by this thought. I'm not even sure which one is a better choice, not to see him ever again or to see him as a hallucination. I look around, like he would suddenly pop out through the walls.

Van Pelt gives me a quizzical look and I come back to this moment feeling stupid.

"Please, Teresa, I'm asking this as a friend. We're all so worried about you. We don't want to lose you too. Now that Red John is gone, you have to start to accept things."

Yesterday I got this same lecture from Tommy and now from Van Pelt. I really don't want to hear this all again. I mean, how many times have we been through this crap? I say nothing as we step out from the lift, but she follows me to the parking lot. She looks so worried. She really wants to help me.

"I have grieved him enough already", I say angrily trying to get away from her. "And I don't want to think about him. It doesn't help at all. I just wish you'd leave me alone."

"I know that", she says stopping me before I reach my car. "And I'm sorry that I have to do this, but you give me no choice. "

I almost want to yell at her and run away, but I know that she only wants to help. And she's my friend.

"Alright", I sigh finally giving up. "So what do you want?"

"Can I come with you?"

"Sure. But I'm not going to talk to you, so you're wasting your time."

"Okay, if you don't want to talk, we won't. I promise that."

I raise my eyebrows at her. If we are not going to talk, why is she coming with me?

"Can I drive?" she suddenly suggests and I suspiciously give her my keys. But as she promised, we don't talk at all and after a while I start to feel comfortable around her.

"You took a wrong turn", I comment absently while watching the roads and cars passing by. I wait for her to turn around, but she just keeps on driving.

"You should've turned left", I say again in case she didn't hear me. "We're going the wrong way. Don't you remember where I live?"

"Yes, I do."

Silence. I turn to look at her quizzically but Van Pelt is avoiding my eye.

"Van Pelt? You're driving the wrong way", I say sarcastically but she still doesn't answer. I look out the window again frowning.

"Are you taking me somewhere?"

I watch the sceneries passing by. She doesn't live here, nor do Rigsby or Cho. We passed that nice park already. Where in the world is she –

Finally she slows down and signals right and with a shock I realize where we are. No. She didn't.

Van Pelt parks on the side of the road and turns to look at me expectantly. I don't know how to react, I can't tear my eyes away from the church and the graveyard behind it.

"I understand that you don't want to talk to me", Van Pelt says. "But talk to him at least."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **Hi guys, remember that I promised you a happy ending? Don't forget that, a promise is a promise :) ! Now we're finally getting somewhere in this chapter, I hope you like it!

* * *

"I don't want to", I say and try to swallow the lump in my throat away but my mouth is too dry. I sound pathetic and scared and incredibly weak and I hate myself for it. What has happened to the woman I used to be? This emotional wreck can't be me.

I want to look away, but I can't. This whole graveyard gives me the chills although sun is shining brightly and all the gravestones look so peaceful. There's nothing bad in here, it's a calm and beautiful final resting place, but just looking at that familiar church makes the knot in my stomach tighten. I remember that dark day far too clearly.

And I've never been here since.

"I don't want to face him."

I know Van Pelt has been here and the team too. On his birthday, on Christmas Eve. I always refused to go with them, the wounds were too sore and I was afraid to fall apart. So here I am, once again wanting to run away. I'm such a coward.

"Sooner or later you have to", Van Pelt says sympathetically. "It will help you."

"I don't know what to say to him", I say and stupid enough feel tears starting to gather in my eyes. This is just like with mom. It took me years to visit her grave, I was so scared. And when I did, I couldn't stop crying.

But strange enough, the pain faded away after that and I know Van Pelt is right. She squeezes my hand encouragingly saying she'll wait in the car.

After a short walk, which feels like forever, I'm standing here, finally facing him again. My heart beats loudly, so loud that it almost deafens me. It's like another nightmare seeing his name right there. It makes it all so real once again.

"Hi", I whisper. He doesn't answer. For a moment I'm completely lost for words and I just stand there feeling more stupid every minute. I should've brought flowers or candles to have something to do with my hands.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here. But I think you understand, you didn't visit Angela that often, did you?"

My voice doesn't sound like mine, I can't believe I'm this nervous talking to someone who can't even hear me. I take a deep breath, straighten my back and start again trying to pull myself together.

"I finished your revenge. I hope you're not mad at me. I thought it was the right thing to do, so you can rest in peace. I don't know where you are right now, or if you can hear me, but I do hope you're happy. Maybe you're really in heaven, looking down at me right now?"

I raise my gaze to the sky and wait for a sign, but there's only silence. I lower my gaze back to the stone shrugging. I thought so too.

"You're not here, are you?" I ask with a wry smile, putting my hands in my pockets. Joking with him makes me feel instantly better. Maybe this is going to be a lot easier than I thought.

"Van Pelt wants me to talk about you with everyone. She's really worried about me, although I've told her I'm fine. People just won't believe it. But you know this already, you've been through worse. I guess I never really understood your pain, but now I do."

My little crooked smile fades away slowly.

"I'm sorry I haven't thought about you. It has been difficult for me. I've always been like this, never knew how to grieve for people. Never thought I should be grieving for you."

I try to leave but my legs won't move. One part of me still wants to say something.

"You were the only one I could talk to", I say my voice shaking a bit. "That's why I'm here. I have no one else who understands. It was so easy with you, you knew me so well. I miss you so much. I just want to see your face again, I miss your smile. I –"

I crossed the line. I should've left while I had the chance. One single quiet sob escapes my lips and I close my eyes trying to fight against the tears but I know I'm too late.

"I need you, Jane, more than I ever did", I whisper tears rolling down my face. "Please give me a sign that you're still here with me."

I wipe my tears away angrily and wait for something. Nothing happens, just a little wind breathing against my cheeks with a familiar scent -

My eyes fly wide open with shock. That scent is so familiar, a mixture of tea and… his aftershave -

I turn around swiftly and scan the graveyard, heart hammering in my chest. But as I thought, there's no one there.

"Jane?" I ask carefully. "Are you there?"

I scan the forest at the other end of the graveyard, but see nothing. Then I get a funny feeling that someone's watching me.

I turn around just as quickly to face his grave once again, but this side of graveyard is empty too.

No, wait, isn't there someone standing –

I blink and it's gone.

I don't know how long I've stood there, when Van Pelt comes to take my hand.

"Is everything alright? You want to leave?" she asks with a worried expression and I snap back into the reality. I blink again and the graveyard stays empty and quiet, even the little faint wind has died away, there's no one here. I'm such a fool.

"Yes", I say. "I think I said everything I wanted to."

We start to walk away from the graveyard and strangely enough with every step I take, the burden slowly lightens. When we reach the car, I'm feeling oddly serene.

"If you still wanted to come over to my place -", I start without a second thought, surprising even myself. "I mean if you have nothing else to do, you could come. I'd like that."

Van Pelt looks at me bewildered and for a moment I'm afraid she'll say no. Then her face brightens delighted.

"I'd love to."

* * *

Next morning I wake up feeling oddly calm and serene thinking that maybe Van Pelt was right. We had a lovely evening yesterday. She kept her word and we didn't talk about Jane, but everything else. It felt good to hear about her new hobby and her and Rigsby's relationship and Cho's new girlfriend (when had he got one?). Then we ordered some Chinese takeaway and Van Pelt wanted to watch a movie. She was clearly really disappointed in my movie collection of action and horror films (does every woman have to have all the romantic comedies? I mean, I do have some of them, but I've hidden them, 'cause everything romantic makes me cry nowadays) so in the end we watched Resident Evil and Van Pelt surprised me by saying she liked it.

So I'm feeling great going to work today. But as soon as I enter my office, I have to take only one look at the empty couch and the pain comes back worse than ever. I try to go through the morning, but it's a nightmare. This place just screams his name, I can't take it, and finally Cho realizes that everything's not alright and tells me to go home. And for once I'm grateful for it.

Funny, there was a time, I could do nothing else than work. It was the only thing that made me really happy. After he walked into my life I started to enjoy other things too. Like hanging out, eating pizza with my team, with my friends, get to know people around me, get to trust them, get to enjoy life, get to fall in love…

I wipe the thoughts out of my mind. I don't feel like working anymore, it's just work. It doesn't make me happy, I've changed. So what is there left for me? What am I supposed to do with my life? I'm just so confused.

I pass a little coffee shop which Jane and I used to go to. After a moment of hesitation I step in line thinking that coffee used to cheer me up once, so maybe it'll help now.

I get my coffee and think absently about all the times, when Jane brought me here. It was usually after a long and depressing day when he said that I needed cheering up and he insisted to buy me a coffee. I always lied that I hated it and he should stop buying it just to mess with him, but of course he always knew the truth and ignored me. It was the way we usually did everything. I acted like I didn't like it and he acted like he believed me.

Maybe it was the same thing with my feelings for him. I acted like I wasn't in love with him and he acted like he believed me.

I take a sip and it tastes just as wonderful as I remembered, but also a bit bittersweet. Was this what Van Pelt meant? That from now on whatever I'll do, I have to face every single memory connected to Jane. I'm not so sure I'm ready for that.

I turn around to leave when something catches my eye. There are lots of people sitting on shop's terrace drinking their coffees and having ice cream and they're all smiling widely and laughing. It's a beautiful sunny day indeed, but that's not what I'm looking at.

There's someone sitting at a corner table alone. He has his legs crossed and I realize he's staring back at me. I hastily turn my head away and keep walking. But then I stop again.

Wait a minute.

I turn back to look at him. He's still looking at me and I glance at his hands. He's holding a tea cup. That's what I was looking at. Everyone who drinks tea reminds me of him.

But wait a minute, that wasn't all. He wears a vest too. A three-piece suit. Who wears three-piece suits except -

I take a few steps forward suddenly feeling very anxious. I know I've seen him somewhere before. He looks so familiar. He has blond curls and blue eyes and there's a wide smile on his face and -

It's like waking up from a nightmare. I can hear myself gasping for air, trying very hard not to scream, trying to understand what's real and what's not.

It can't be. It just can't.

"Hi, Lisbon", Jane says and his voice rings through air like crystal bells, he raises his hand and waves at me. I can't move. I'm frozen to my place, having trouble breathing, it's like someone just hit me. I can't think, I can't breathe, nothing makes sense, I -

He rises from his table with a concerned look on his face, but then everything starts to blur.

"Lisbon, are you –"

I hear him coming closer, almost running now as my feet fail me. I faintly hear someone screaming, feel someone catch me. There's a warm and familiar scent and his voice saying words that I try to understand.

Then it all goes black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all the reviews and follows, I love you all! So here we go again, I hope you like this one too :) !

* * *

I can hear low voices coming from my side. My head is aching and I just want to fall back to sleep, but someone's calling my name. I don't want to wake up, I just want to stay in this safe darkness forever.

But someone calls my name again and again and the voices are getting louder and clearer and finally I open my eyes. For a while I'm blinded by the bright lights, then my eyes focus on the faces hovering over my head.

"Boss, you awake?"

It's Van Pelt, sitting next to me, looking down at me anxiously. Behind her I can see Cho and Rigsby just as worried.

"You alright?" Cho asks as Van Pelt helps me to sit up. I look around bewildered slowly realizing I'm at work, in my office, sitting on my couch. How the hell did I end up in here?

"How are you feeling?" Rigsby asks giving me a glass of water.

"I'm fine", I mutter trying to steady myself, as my head starts to spin again. Maybe I shouldn't have risen up that quickly. "What am I doing here? What happened?"

"We got a call from a coffee shop owner. He said that you had fainted right before his shop and someone had told him to call us and we went to get you and brought you here", Rigsby answers and gives me a worried look. "But if you're feeling sick or anything, we should probably take you to the hospital. Did you hit your head? Does it hurt?"

"No, no, I'm fine, someone caught me", I say and wave my hand dismissively. In fact I'm already feeling much better. But what happened? I mean, I went to get a coffee and -

"You've got any idea, what happened?" Van Pelt asks.

"I saw him!" I blurt out as the memory hits me. It's so real and vivid that it makes me want to faint again. Oh God, it feels like someone just hit me, the nausea washes over me and makes me want to throw up. "He was there, he was sitting right there, and he called my name, and, and –"

My words fail me, my head is spinning and I'm making no sense but none of this matters. I saw him, I saw him. I saw him!

But how the hell is that possible, when he's dead? What the fuck is going on?

"He?" Cho frowns and changes looks with Van Pelt. I don't like the way they look at each other.

"Jane! I saw Jane!"

There's silence. As soon as the words escape from my lips, I know I shouldn't have said it. I sound crazy even to my own ears. Everyone looks at me shocked, but then Van Pelt's face softens and she takes my hands and squeezes them tight. There's a sad smile on her lips and everyone's faces have changed from shock to… pity?

"Lisbon, I'm so sorry. I know Jane's passing away has been really hard for you and I warned you what could happen, if you denied his death too long. Don't worry, it's only natural. This must mean you're finally starting to get over it."

I stare at her, remembering our conversation about her and Craig. She saw him as a hallucination. Was that what I saw, too?

"We should probably take you home. I can stay with you if you want."

I keep staring at her. She thinks I'm losing it. She thinks I didn't saw him.

"But I wasn't hallucinating or anything", I insist trying to convince them but instead I end up sounding more and more deluded. "It was him. I know I saw him, I just know, I…"

My voice dies away. They're right, I'm only fooling myself. Jane's dead, that's the truth. I was at his funeral for God's sake. He wasn't there. I was just hallucinating.

Waves of pain and anger crush over me. Of course he wasn't there, I just miss him so much that I wanted him to be there. Oh God, what is wrong with me? How can I be so stupid?

Pain feels so much worse after this little ray of hope and I just want to bury my face into my hands and scream out of frustration. I'm an idiot, of course he wasn't there. He's dead. Stop denying it and accept it. He's dead.

"I'm so sorry", Van Pelt apologizes, seeing my tortured expression. "Sorrow makes us see things we want to see. Don't worry, you're not losing it, we don't think you're crazy. You should just take it easy, give yourself some time. And don't be scared if you meet him again. You should talk it out with him, see what he has to say."

"Yeah, I guess you're right", I finally say defeated. "Maybe I should go home and rest for a while."

"I can take you if you need a ride", Cho offers but I shake my head as I gather my things. My legs feel wobbly and a familiar lump has formed in my throat. I have to get out of here, now.

"Thanks, but I'll be alright. I just need to be alone for a while."

* * *

I drive back to the coffee shop. The owner recognizes me right away, asking me if I'm alright and giving me a free coffee. I scan the tables on the terrace, but the corner table is empty. Of course it is, I remind myself. I shouldn't even be here, this is madness.

But although my brain is saying that this is stupid and I should go home and relax and sleep, I can't. Instead I approach the corner table, slowly and carefully, like it was a wild animal that could jump up and attack me. I stop in front of it and try to sense something, but it's just a table. It's empty and there are no signs of him.

I walk across the road to a little park. Without thinking, I sit down on the warm grass under the shadow of a great oak, take a sip from my coffee and wait. I sit there for hours, watching the people passing by, scanning everyone who enters the coffee shop or sit downs on the terrace. I've got a wonderful view to the coffee shop and all the customers, but there's no sign of him there. I've drunk my coffee already and now I'm just waiting.

I must've fallen asleep because when I open my eyes again the sun has moved to shine directly in my eyes. I shadow my face with my hand and reluctantly sit up again. How long have I been asleep? The sun is still shining, so it must be late afternoon and some little boys have started to play football on the nearest field. Their laughter echoes in the air.

This is a huge waste of time. I yawn and decide that it's really time for me to go home and get some sleep in my own bed. This was a stupid idea and -

Suddenly I have a funny feeling that I'm not alone. I turn my head, ready to snap at the kids to get away from me, but my thoughts stop as soon as my eyes meet his.

He is sitting next to me, quiet like a ghost, saying nothing, his eyes never leaving mine. I can't think, I can't breathe, I just stare into his eyes ready to faint again.

"Are you okay?" Jane asks after a while with a little grin, which makes my heart stop beating. He raises his eyebrows waiting for my answer, but I'm unable to do anything. I just stare at his face mesmerized.

"Lisbon, please. Talk to me."

But I can't. I just stare at him, take in his face and his hair and his eyes and his voice and that familiar scent of his –

"No", I finally manage to say. "I don't want to talk to you. You're really not there. You're my hallucination. You should leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you."

He seems taken aback by my words. I can't tear my eyes away from his face even though I know he's a hallucination and he's not really here, but he seems so real. At least this way I can have him with me for a short while. Oh God, how have I missed his face and his smile. The pain in my chest gets worse with every second I look at him.

"You think I'm a hallucination?" he asks confused but then seems to understand something. "But of course, to you I'm still dead. It may take some time to understand the truth."

He doesn't sound like a hallucination, but then again what do hallucinations sound like? If he's just a part of my imagination, why would my imagination say things like that?

"Yes", I say flatly. "You're a hallucination, don't act like you didn't know it. And I'm not interested in you or whatever you have to say, so you can just disappear and leave me alone."

If I say it out loud enough times, maybe I convince myself that he is a hallucination. Because a little part of me doesn't want to believe it, a little part of me wants to believe that he's really here.

But that part of me can shut up. I don't want the pain to get any worse than it already is.

"No, I'm not a hallucination", Jane says slowly and gently and to my surprise he reaches for me and takes my hand. An electric shock runs through me as his fingers touch my skin. His touch is warm and it burns like fire, making me gasp for air. "Lisbon, there's something you should know. I'm not dead. I'm not a hallucination. I'm here."

I search for his face ready to burst into tears out of frustration. Why is he telling me this, why is he trying to mess with me? Why isn't he one of those nice hallucinations?

"Stop it", I say and try to take my hand away, but he holds it tightly. Are hallucinations even able to hold you like that? Can you feel them? "Don't try to act like you're there. I know you're not. You're a hallucination. I just want you to be there, so you are, but really you're not. You're not my Jane. My Jane's dead."

I swallow as the lump in my throat makes my voice weak and shaky. This is ridiculous, I'm getting emotional talking to a hallucination. I turn my eyes away from his, stubbornly trying to act like he isn't there.

For a while there's silence and I'm annoyed how nervous I am and how loud my heart beats. I can feel his eyes on me, making me burn all over, but I'm not going to play his game. He's a hallucination, and I don't want to talk to him.

But still, a part of me doesn't want him to leave. Part of me wants him to stay there forever, hallucination or not. At least he'd be with me.

"I'm alive", Jane says and takes my hand again to rest it against his heart. I can feel his heart beating under his vest and my own heartbeat quickens automatically. Can you feel hallucination's heartbeat? This is not happening, nothing makes sense.

"But you –"

I have no idea what to say so I just stare into his eyes, trying to understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. My imaginary Jane is going to say something more, but suddenly a football lands right in front of us, snapping my focus back to the reality.

"Hey, could you kick the ball back here?" one of the kids yells at me and I start to rise, but Jane is quicker. He takes the ball and kicks it to the kid who takes it happily. "Thanks, sir!"

For a moment I can't speak. Then the kid starts to walk away and I hastily jump up.

"Wait", I yell after him and he turns around quizzical. "Can you see him?" I know I'm making no sense, but I have to be sure. "You see this man? You can see him?"

The kid gives me a weird look, glances at Jane, and looks back at me again. I can read in his face that he thinks I've lost it.

"Er, yes?" he says. "He just kicked me the ball."

"So… he is really there?" I say again my voice shaking and the kid looks at Jane again confused.

"It's alright", Jane says to him with a little smile. "She's just a bit tired."

Slowly I sink back to the grass as the boy runs away to continue his game. My heart hammers in my chest, any moment I'm going to pass out.

Other people can't see your hallucinations. Or maybe the boy was a hallucination too? Maybe I'm not even here really. Maybe I'm still asleep? Maybe I'm hallucinating it all. Maybe nothing's happening. Maybe Jane never even died. Maybe -

"Lisbon, try to calm down", Jane says and places his hand to my shoulder trying to hold me steady. I look at my hands and see them shaking wildly. "You're not hallucinating. The boy was there and I'm here too. You're not asleep, you're not going crazy. This is the reality. Do you understand me?"

He's talking to me like I'm a schizophrenic patient in a mental hospital who has no idea what's real and what's not. Actually that's how I feel right now. I put my hands between my knees trying to stop them from shaking. But his words do make sense, because this feels like the reality. I'm not asleep, I'm not hallucinating. This is the reality. I'm pretty sure of it.

"It's okay. Like I said, I'm here. I'm not a hallucination. And if you let yourself think the impossible, you realize that it's the truth."

My eyes focus on his and like in a dream I reach my hands and touch his face. I slowly run my fingers to his cheeks and he puts his hands over mine, holding my hands on both sides of his face.

Then the dream shatters and I pull my hands away, feeling sick. I turn my head away, trying to get a control of myself.

Oh. My. God. He's really here. He's really here.

"Are. You. Alive?" I finally ask in a low voice not daring to look at him. My breathing gets quicker and I just want to run away. This can't be happening, it can't.

"I am", he says.

Then, without a warning, something snaps inside me.

"What the fuck is going on, is this some kind of a sick joke?" I hear myself asking, my voice rising with every word until I'm almost screaming at him. I'm so lost, so scared, so messed up, so –

I don't even know what I am anymore.

"What is happening? You should be dead! How the hell can you be here?"

He looks startled before my wrath, clearly not waiting for this reaction.

"What is going on? You're supposed to be dead! I was at the funeral! We buried you! You're dead, you killed yourself, what the fuck –"

"Shh, Teresa, calm down." I've started shaking again and he looks at me with pleading eyes. "Please, let me explain. Try to calm down. People are watching."

"Calm down? Explain? Explain?" I almost want to laugh at him.

"What exactly do you want to explain? Sorry Teresa, but I'm not dead. Is that what you're trying to tell me? That you're not dead?" I'm so mixed up I just want to scream, I just want to hit him, I just -

"Yes, that what's I'm trying to tell you. And aren't you happy that I'm alive?" He's trying to make this all a joke. Like there's something funny about this whole situation.

"Happy?" I ask and rage takes over. "Happy? That you're alive? You son of a bitch, what have you done, what is going on, we buried you! How the hell are you sitting there? You were supposed to be my hallucination! You can't be him, you can't, I – " Suddenly I don't have words to describe what I want to say. I'm so overwhelmed that I can't breathe. I bury my face into my hands, try to calm down, try to understand. The world's spinning again, making me sick.

"I'm sorry, Teresa", he says quietly and gets up. I don't even look at him, I try to steady myself so I won't pass out. Any minute now I'm going to throw up. "I'll explain everything, I promise. You just have to calm down and listen."

I don't answer, I don't even look at him. It takes all my willpower not to start screaming again. Oh God, how I want to hit him right now.

"Let's go to your place and talk it out, okay?" Jane asks gently and touches the small of my back. I push his hand away angrily and with shaking legs start to walk out of the park, everything still whirling inside my head. He doesn't try to touch me again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry it took me so long to update this! And I'm sorry the whole chapter got so long, I just couldn't stop xD This is not the final chapter, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Jane's driving us back to my place. He still drives way too fast and I hate it, but my hands are shaking too much for me to drive. So I just sit there, trying my best not to look at him and not to think about him. I'm still too angry.

Jane hasn't said a word and I'm grateful for that, because I don't really want to talk to him, but I can still feel his eyes on me.

"Watch the road", I say angrily when his stare makes me too uncomfortable. "Or you'll get us both killed. For real this time."

He says nothing and looks away, but I can feel his eyes burning on my back every time he thinks I'm not looking.

When we get to my place I go straight to sit on my couch and hug my knees, not caring what he's going to do. He hasn't moved, he just stands there, in the middle of my apartment. I don't want to look at him, but when I do, he looks at me with sad eyes, like a lost puppy.

And suddenly I just want to run into his arms and hug him tightly and forget everything.

But the part of me that wants to kick him out of here is much stronger than the part that wants to hug him so I look away and stay where I am.

Finally Jane moves away. He goes to the kitchen to make some tea. That's so Jane, there's no problem that can't be solved with a cup of tea. When he finally comes to the living room and sits next to me, there's silence. A long one. He tries to give me the other tea cup, but I don't take it and he just puts it back to the table. I almost feel like I want to throw the tea into his face.

"The truth", I snarl. "And no lies this time. The whole truth and you'd better have one hell of an explanation for me."

He's silent for a while, sipping his tea. Then he puts his cup away and stares at his hands. If he tries to make a joke, I will punch him in the face.

"Long story short, I faked my suicide. I never died, it was all a part of the plan to get Red John."

There's silence. I knew there had to be a logic explanation to that he's alive, but just hearing this out loud makes me –

I don't even know. I have no words for this.

"You faked your own death?" I say at last with a little shaking voice. So nothing has been real, he never died. But the funeral, his grave, all those dark days, all the pain, all those tears -

Oh God, I'm feeling sick again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I say and can't stop my hands from shaking. "We've faked my death in the past too to catch Red John. You could've told me."

"No. Red John would've known. If you and the team knew that I was alive, Red John would've seen it. But now he saw your genuine sorrow and pain and he had to believe, that I was really dead. It was the only way."

"I could've acted like I was sad", I mutter not looking at him. "I can't believe you didn't trust me yet again with a secret like that. I just, I can't -"

"You know I'm right, Teresa. Would you have been as devastated as you were after my death if you knew that I wasn't really dead? Honestly? You're a terrible liar, you have no dishonesty in you."

I can't answer to that because he's right. I'm a terrible liar and a terrible actress and Red John would've seen right away, that I wasn't really grieving. Because I never thought that I'd be this broken after Jane's death, so how in the world could I have acted it the right way?

"Well maybe not, but it still doesn't mean that it was the right thing to do. And you didn't even catch Red John in the end, we did, so your plan didn't work out. Again."

He gives me a little mocking smile and I frown. Then it hits me.

"Exactly. That was my plan. I knew I was never going to catch Red John myself, I wasn't even close. So I knew that I had to let someone else do it. And there was only one person in the whole world that I could've given my revenge to finish."

I look away, not sure how to react to that.

"So I decided to kill myself. After I was gone I hoped that Red John would feel like losing, because he wasn't the one to decide about my fate. And I hoped that he would start to make mistakes after his purpose was gone. So that you'd be able to catch him."

I'm silent for a while. Little pieces are finally falling into place. It does make sense, but, but –

"But how could you be so sure?" I say confused and angry. "That is the most stupid plan I've ever heard. It's not even a plan. Red John would've reacted in very different way. Or he wouldn't have believed you. He's always been one step ahead of you."

"I know", he says sighing. "And it was a huge risk but I had no choice. We had tried everything and I was just so tired. This was my last plan, I had to try it. And I've seen how his mind works, so I knew he'd go crazy if he believed me. That was the biggest problem, to make him believe."

He looks away for a while, lost in thought. I don't know what to say. I can't believe that he took a risk like that, faked his own death, not being even sure if it would work.

"You're an idiot", I say. "You do realize that?"

I turn to look at him. There's a lazy smile on his lips. He doesn't seem tortured by the fact that we killed Red John, he doesn't seem tortured at all. Actually he looks quite good. There's a weird peace in him, he seems relaxed and content and happy. He almost isn't my Jane anymore.

Because he has finally moved on.

My gaze flickers to his left hand and with a shock I realize he has taken his wedding ring off. I hastily look away, hoping he didn't see.

But of course he did.

"Only thing that matters right now, is that Red John is gone. It's over."

"Well, that's great", I say a bit ironically, but my anger melts away as soon as I get lost into his eyes. Have I always done that? "You look really good. You okay?"

He gives a little laugh, making me flinch. I've missed his laughter so much, it feels so good to hear his voice and see his face and I still can't quite believe that he is here. That this isn't one of my dreams, that he is here and he's not going to disappear.

"Never better, and I mean it. But what about you, you okay?"

He looks at me sympathetically and very carefully reaches for me. As his fingers touch my hand, I flinch again and pull abruptly my hand away. He doesn't try to touch me again.

"No", I admit and turn my head away. The anger and confusion and the endless pain starts to boil inside me. "Because although I'm happy you caught Red John and that you're free, but…. I just can't forget what you did to me. You made me believe you were dead. Have you any idea how did it feel like? Did you ever think about anyone else than you and your revenge?"

My voice is rising and shaking a bit as I finish. I don't dare to look at him but I can feel his eyes on me.

"I thought about you every single day", he says his voice serious and defensive. "You think this was easy for me? It took all my will power not to come back to you and ruin everything."

"Easy for you?" I gasp my anger suddenly bursting out. He has no right to be defensive after what he did to me. "What about me? I believed for a year that you were dead! I missed you every single day, I cried so many nights and suffered so much it hurt physically. And all that in vain!"

"Should I be dead then? So your suffering wouldn't be in vain", he asks jokingly, but there's a bit anger in his voice. I'm seeing red now. How. He. Dares.

"You son of a bitch, how dare you say things like that? Seriously, you can consider yourself lucky that I haven't beaten you up yet!"

I just want to scream at him, punch him in the face, kick him out of here. I mean, how dares he rise from the dead and act like a total jerk?

"You know I'm happy you're alive but you haven't even apologized to me! You seriously have no idea how much I've suffered if you think I'd just forget it –"

"I do."

What?

"I do have an idea how you've suffered. I've been watching you."

Watching me?

"Have you spied on me?" I ask slowly not believing what I just heard. If I was angry before, now I really feel like throwing him out of my house. He's been spying on my pain?

But before I have the chance to start yelling at him, he continues hastily.

"Not like that. I just had to know that you were okay, but I couldn't see you as much as I wanted to, because I was too afraid to get caught. So after the funeral I disappeared. And it killed me to live all those months not being able to see you or contact you."

Wait. Did he say the funeral? I raise my gaze and meet his eyes shocked. No way. He couldn't.

"You… You were at the funeral?" I ask in a small voice and he nods gravely.

"I was. Although you couldn't see me, I was there. It was a beautiful funeral, so now I know that if I'm going to die, you guys are going to give me a proper farewell."

He laughs a bit and I stare at him. There's nothing funny about this and he seems to realize it too and stops.

"You don't know how it felt to see you there. I cried with you. I just wanted to come out and hug you. Tell you how sorry I was. I never meant to hurt you like that. You have no idea, how much it hurt me, to cause you such pain. I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

Suddenly I have nothing to say. There's sadness and grief in his face and I can't be angry with him anymore. Because it seems he has suffered as much as I have.

"It was a beautiful speech you know", he says lost in thought and I shiver. What did I say back there?

_"I'll always love you. I just wish I had had the chance to tell you this before it was too late it."_

My own voice rings in my ears bringing back all the pain and grief from that dark day. I don't know what to say so I quickly look away and clear my throat.

"I'm glad you're back but I'm still angry that you haven't even apologized to me although I know it was hard for you too but –" I start to switch the subject, but he raises his hand and cuts me off. I wait for him to roll his eyes, but he looks genuinely apologetic. He reaches for my hands and in a daze I let him take them. He brings them to his lips, not kissing them, just breathing against them. It sends shivers down my spine.

I can't move or think, his breathing makes my skin burn and my pulse quickens. But instead of feeling embarrassed by my body's reaction, I just feel oddly mesmerized by this moment, by his touch, by his eyes. It's like in a dream once again. None of this feels real.

"I am sorry, Teresa", he whispers, his voice honest and quiet. "And I would've apologized sooner but I thought you wouldn't accept any of my apologies before you knew why I did this. But I really am sorry, Teresa. I know how much you've suffered and believe me, that was the hardest part for me. To know how much I was going to hurt you."

He lets go of my hands and to my surprise he looks away, swallowing hard. I study his face carefully, his a bit rapid breathing, his tortured expression and feel instantly bad for blaming him.

"I'm sorry too", I whisper turning my eyes away. "I didn't mean it, it's just –" I don't know what to say, this whole situation, this whole conversation is just so unreal. This is not the kind of conversation I was waiting to have with him if he ever came back to me. "It's just a shock. To sit here speaking with a man who died and didn't really die. I don't know why I reacted that way, I'm sorry. I've just been through a lot."

"Yeah", he just answers and twirls his hands for a while and then he gives me a little crooked smile. "I really didn't imagine this conversation going like this. But I guess there's not a specific code how to tell someone that you didn't die."

I smile a little and we fall silent again. This time it's a more comfortable one. My anger and frustration have slowly faded away and all that is left is just peaceful calmness.

"So, where were you all this time?" I ask after a while not really sure I want to know what he has been up to all this time. "How didn't he find you?"

"Well, I was on a little island, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Not so many tourists around there, it was a really safe and nice place. Thought I could stay there forever, if you didn't catch Red John."

I glare at him, trying to figure out if he's serious or not.

"So you were partying on the beach while we were crying over you? That sounds so typical."

"Well, you do know that it wasn't a vacation", he says easily, ignoring my insult. "It doesn't mean that I didn't do a lot of grieving too. But in any case, the island was really nice, maybe we could go there together someday."

We? Together? He has never spoken like this before. There's something behind his words that didn't use to be there.

"Why didn't you come back as soon as I killed Red John?" I continue, ignoring his words and my own nervousness.

"It has been only a few days, hasn't it? It took me some time to get rid of my apartment there and fly back here. And I had to do something first, before I was ready to face you. I'm sorry, if I kept you waiting."

My eyes flicker automatically to his left hand.

"After all this time, if I'm honest, I was a bit scared to come to see you. And it looks like I didn't worry for nothing", he continues softly and gives me a little crooked smile and I glare at him.

"Don't be like that", I say but can't help smiling a little too. "You know you deserved all my anger. You might've even enjoyed it, confess. You love messing with people."

"Yes I do. But not with you. I'd never want to hurt you on purpose."

I don't know what to say to that, so I take my tea cup, which has been standing on my table untouched. I take a sip, but it's cold already. How long have we been sitting here? It feels still so unreal, to sit here and have this conversation with him. It's like the outside world doesn't even exist anymore. It's just him and me and this whole crazy mess around us.

Jane says nothing, but he keeps staring at me and I start to feel uncomfortable.

"You've told anyone else?" I finally ask, not really knowing how to continue our conversation.

"No. I wanted you to be first. Although I have done all the paperwork already, telling the bureaucrats that I'm alive and blaming the CBI and all that crime fighting. They must think we're all crazy, I mean, with the mess with Rigsby being dead and I killing you and – Well, no more fake deaths, or someone's going to lose their job."

I giggle out loud.

"That must've been an interesting conversation. 'Hi, I'm not dead, could you please sort this mess out?' I already feel bad for them."

He smiles too.

"Well, we've faked deaths before so I kind of knew how to tell the news. But I wasn't prepared to see you there, I almost got caught."

My smile fades away and I turn to look at him eyes wide.

"So it was you", I say gasping a little. "At the graveyard. When I went to talk to you and I got a funny feeling that someone was watching me –"

"Yes, it was me", Jane answers. "I was there to sort things out and I didn't expect to see you there. And I didn't want to get caught before I was ready, so I made sure you didn't see me."

"So you spied on me then and there too?" I ask, my voice slowly growing menacing. "You listened to me, didn't you?"

He leans away from me, raising his hands in defense.

"Please don't start yelling again. Or throwing things at me. Okay, I confess, I may have listened a bit what you said to me, but hey, those words were meant for me, weren't they?"

"No they were not", I snap at him angrily, feeling my cheeks getting warmer. "They were for the dead you, not the alive version."

"Oh, come on, Lisbon", he says with a wicked grin, more relaxed now. "Don't try to act like you didn't want to say those things to the alive me too."

I raise my eyes to meet his and for a moment we just sit there staring at each other. We're on dangerous grounds right now, talking about things we never talk about.

I had no problem talking about my love for him when he was dead, but now that he is sitting right here with me, everything changes.

I can hear familiar words ringing in my ears, words I haven't let myself think about for a very long time.

That day in my office, faking my own death. 'Love you.'

Lorelei, unaware of me listening to them. 'You're a little bit in love with her.'

Sean Barlow, embarrassing me in front of him. 'You're a little in love with him.'

And now as I look into his eyes, I can see something new, something that makes my body melt and ache for his touch.

But I'm not ready for this, I'm not ready to get rejected by him. It's a dangerous game and I hastily look away, clearing my throat, failing miserably at acting normal.

He just keeps staring at me, reading every single thought in my head while I have no idea what he is thinking. There's a little smile on his lips, but I don't know what it means.

"So, you coming back to the CBI?" I ask a little too casually before I realize it was not as innocent and harmless question, as I first thought. He's free now, Red John is gone so who knows what he wants to do with his life. Maybe he just came back to say goodbye, I mean, now he has his whole life ahead of him, he can do whatever he wants. Maybe he doesn't want to come back.

"Don't look so worried."

Once again he surprises me by reading my mind. After a year of no one knowing what I really think, this feels suddenly really scary but at the same time it feels so warm and familiar. I hate it when he reads my mind but I have to admit, I've missed that.

"Of course I'm coming back. What would I do for amusement? And besides, you guys need me too much."

"Don't bet on it", I say sulking. "We've closed a lot of cases this year without your help."

"That may be true, but if the CBI doesn't need me around, you do."

His killer smile makes my heart ache. He's joking but I'm sure he knows how close his words hit home.

"Anyway I'm going to go to speak with Bertram later to tell him that I'm alive. But you were the most important person, you were the one who deserved the whole truth. The one I had to tell first, the one I had to see first. I really have waited long for this moment."

His eyes darken and the air between us gets electric once again. I'm feeling extremely nervous, I don't know how to be around this new Jane. I know how I'd react if he was a part of my dreams that I don't talk about, but he's my real life Jane and -

"Uhm, I've got some of your stuff by the way."

He gives a quizzical look at my sudden change of subject.

"My stuff? Like what?"

"The stuff you had at the office. The team decided to give it all to me because they thought I was your closest family and now that you're alive, you might want your belongings back too."

He seems a bit confused.

"But I don't have anything useful at the office."

"There wasn't much. Some random stuff from your attic like your suit jacket and… and your tea cup." Suddenly I'm feeling hot around the eyes, remembering the boxes I didn't dare to go through. They're still lying hidden in my bedroom. I jump from the couch and mutter something about getting his things right away. I have to get away from him, I need to think, everything happens too fast, I can't -

As I come back I have calmed down a bit and hand him his tea cup. He takes it very carefully and as our hands touch, I start to tremble. There's that lump in my throat again and my heart hammers loudly. He puts the cup away and reaches his hand to take the jacket but suddenly I can't let go of it.

"I'm sorry, I should wash this first", I start. "Don't laugh, it's just that I might've slept a few sleepless nights with your jacket, because it was the only thing that reminded me of you and –"

And suddenly without a warning something shatters inside me. Tears start to run down my face and heavy sobs escape my lips. I let go of his jacket and bury my face into my hands, all my walls tumbling down.

He's there only a second later. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close and strokes my hair soothingly. He feels so warm and safe and I bury my face against his chest, breathing him in.

"I'm so sorry, it's okay", I can hear him whispering into my hair.

His scent, his touch, his voice… It's all so overwhelming and my sobs become even heavier and I hold him more tightly. I can't believe he's here. I missed him so much, I thought I'd never see his face again and -

And now he's here holding me and I can't stop crying. All the memories, all the things I thought I lost forever. Only now I start to really realize that he's not going to disappear, that he didn't die, that he's here with me and he's never going to leave me again.

"I missed you so much", I sob against his jacket which is already wet with my tears. I know I should pull myself together, I know I'm going to regret this later but right now I just can't control myself. "I thought I'd never see you again, you don't know how happy I am that you're here."

He hugs me even tighter, tries to get even closer. His hand strokes my back soothingly.

"I know. I missed you too. I thought you'd never forgive me."

I pull away a bit and meet his eyes. He doesn't let me go.

"Of course I'd forgive you, don't be stupid", I laugh a bit, wiping away my tears. "In the end, I'm used to cleaning up your messes, so by now, there's nothing you can do to make me go away."

He gently cups my face with his hands. His touch makes my whole body burn, makes me want to melt against him. His smile is so heartbreaking, his eyes are so warm and affectionate that he makes me want to -

"And I promise that I won't leave you again. I'm so sorry, Teresa, I –"

But he never finishes because overwhelmed as I am I reach for his face and bring it down to mine. As our lips meet I literally feel like fainting. He tastes so wonderful, it feels like everything I've ever dreamt of and even better.

I close my eyes and want to stay there forever but suddenly I realize, a bit late, that he's not answering. Immediately I let go of his face and back away, my heart beating loudly. He seems to be a bit taken aback, looks at me with wide eyes. Now I've done it, crossed the line and there's no going back. I've ruined everything, our friendship, our partnership. What is wrong with me, why can't I control myself anymore?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, it's just –" I try to explain but he doesn't give me that chance when he pulls my face to his and kisses me with such passion and desperation that I forget who I am. I wrap my arms around his neck, bury my hands into his hair and he moans against my lips.

Oh God, I don't remember how to breathe.

When he finally pulls away, we both just stare at each other, trying to catch our breath.

"Don't ever leave me again", I whisper against his lips before he kisses me again.

"Don't worry, I won't."


	8. Epilogue

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, so here's the epilogue for you! I hope you like it but remember, there will be some serious fluff in here, so stay away, if you don't like that xD I'm such a sucker for happy endings, I couldn't help myself!

But now I want to thank everyone who favourited, followed or reviewed this story! It has been an amazing journey and I loved writing this and I hope you loved to read this. I never thought so many people would like my story, I'm so happy and really grateful! The first version of this story was 8 pages long and this version was 36 pages long and it's all because of you guys inspired me! So huge thanks to you :) !

And I can't wait for the Mentalist Season 6, God help me, what will I do if Jisbon happens or doesn't happen? I think I'm going to die either way xD But thanks and enjoy and have a great summer everyone :) !

* * *

**Epilogue** - A few weeks later

"Hi Reese, you're looking pretty great!"

Tommy's smiling at me with a big smile and Annie gives me a hug.

"That dress is so nice", Annie says to me and I look at myself, my emerald green cocktail dress and my way too high heels. "Really, you should wear it more often. And I love your hair!"

I smile to them both, feeling secretly pleased. I'm happy that they like the way I look and I hope that someone else will too.

"Actually you look more than great", Tommy continues, raising his eyebrows a little. "It's been a while since I've seen you this happy."

"You're right", Annie continues with a grin. "It almost looks like you're in love?"

I try to act normal, but a slight blush comes to my cheeks and Annie's eyes widen in delight.

"Oh my God, you are? I knew it, I'm so happy for you Aunt Reese! You deserve happiness! Although…"

Her smile starts to fade away, when she remembers that this night is not only to celebrate Red John's death but to honor Jane's memory. And clearly she knows too what Jane meant to me. Why does everyone know things like that, I feel like I'm always the last to know even my own feelings.

"Don't worry about that", Tommy continues hastily, not wanting to upset me. He wants to stay as far from the Jane subject as he can. He doesn't want to have another emotional conversation with me. "He'd be happy for you, you do know that. And we'd love to meet this new guy afterwards, if that's okay?"

I don't know what to say so I just nod a little. Annie is almost giggling now.

"Oh my God, this is serious! I've never seen you like this before! That guy must be something really special. We have to meet him!"

She has no idea how right she is.

"Now, now, take it easy", I hush them. "I'll see you later, I have to go now."

I back away from the party, dodging all the familiar faces trying to look like I'm going somewhere. Finally, I get away from everyone and silently go behind the stage.

It's dark and quiet in here. I raise the big curtain and carefully take a peek of the whole hall. Wow, it's a really massive event if you're looking at it up here. There's so many people!

Hey, Minelli came too! I've missed him so much, it's been ages. He seems so proud that his little Teresa finally caught Red John.

He surely tries to take all the credit for it, I think grumpily, but can't help smiling. And there's Cho's girlfriend -

I almost scream, when someone places his cool lips against my throat. I spin around, almost ready to punch him.

Jane backs away immediately, raising his hands in defense.

"Wow, calm down, wild horse", he chuckles. "It's just me."

"Stop scaring the life out of me", I say breathing heavily, which makes him just grin wider. I ignore him and turn back to the stage, taking one final peek.

This is really one of the biggest parties CBI has ever held. Red John was so big part of us that it's worth partying. Also everyone wants to honor Jane's memory and all the work he did for CBI.

Jane laughs at me trying to ignore him and wraps his arms around my waist from behind and pulls me away from the curtain and against his chest. I don't resist and let the curtain fall as I close my eyes and melt into his arms.

"Are you nervous yet?" I ask, eyes still closed. "The whole hall is full. You're going to give heart attacks by showing up."

"That's the whole point", he says smiling into my hair. "What's the fun, if nobody gets a heart attack?"

"You do realize, they're going to hate you after that."

"Why? I did it just to catch Red John, not just for fun. They should be happy that I'm alive, not angry with me."

"I'm not going to say anything to that."

"But seriously, everybody dislikes me already, so where's the difference? They don't like me and I don't like them so I'm more than glad to mess with them."

"You're mean", I smile as he spins me around to face him. "No wonder that nobody likes you."

"I'm just happy there is one person in the CBI who likes me", he grins at me and I make a face.

"But I'm still a bit hurt that the team hasn't forgiven me yet", he continues, pulling a face. "Van Pelt is still so mad at me. That's so unfair. I did apologize to her more than once. She probably hates me forever."

"Hey, don't blame her", I say defensively. "It has been a tough year for her. She really did cry over you many times and tried to help me all the time. And then you come back just like that. It takes a bit longer time to get over this than Vegas."

Jane pouts and sighs dramatically. I roll my eyes at him.

"This is what you get when you try to do the right thing. Would Van Pelt be happier if I was dead then?" he asks grumpily and I give him a warning glare. I know everything is okay right now, but it has been only a few weeks after he came back to life and the wounds are still too fresh to joke like this.

"Give her some time", I assure him. "Like with Vegas, the team forgave you. Maybe not as quickly as I did, but they did. I'll guess that after a week or two everything's back to normal."

"And I don't understand why she complains", Jane continues giving me a wicked grin. "I mean, while crying over me she had always an excuse to cry against Rigsby's shoulder and then have passionate comfort sex afterwards."

"Jane!" I gasp. "Van Pelt was really grieving, so don't make fun of her! And what comes to Rigsby's and Van Pelt's love life, that's none of your business."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. If you want, you could pretend that I'm still dead and cry against my shoulder and then we could have some passionate comfort sex."

His wicked grin deepens as I blush fiercely. Although I can understand what he means. After he rose from the dead and we argued and I ended up crying against his shoulder and kissing him and then -

Well, all I can say is that when you make love to someone you thought you'd lost forever, it makes things more... everything. You thought that you'd never see his face again, never be able to hold him again and suddenly he's there, holding you in his arms and when he starts to kiss you desperately and passionately –

I can feel my blush deepening just thinking about our first night, remembering him whispering my name against my lips, as I moaned from pleasure... The way he kissed me and made me shiver…

And other than that it was our first night after he rose from the dead, it was all in all our first night ever together. You'd think that changing a ten year old friendship into something more would feel awkward, but it felt right from the very first kiss. We were never ordinary in any way. We both always knew it was meant to happen sooner or later.

And I'm glad it did.

As I lay there in his arms, breathing his scent in, I was just thinking how unfair it was that we wasted all this time because of Red John. That only after so many years, after so much pain and longing, we were allowed to hold each other like this.

"Thinking about our first night?" Jane asks as he places his lips against my throat. I can't help but gasp and then push him gently away before we both get carried away.

"Stop reading my mind", I say to him a bit breathless. "And don't even try, we have the whole party ahead of us! Anyone could walk in here!"

He just chuckles and cups my face and kisses me and I forget for a while where I am and who I am. When he finally pulls away, he wraps his arms more tightly around my waist and gently caresses my hipbones.

"That's a really nice dress", he says distracted eyeing me up and down. "Although it covers a bit too much", he suggests and tries to lift the hem of my dress but I take a hold of his hand and push it away.

"Try to behave."

Jane sighs dramatically and steps away. I raise the curtain a little and take a peek again. It's nearly time. We're going to hold a memory speech for Jane, me and my team, and Jane wants to walk to the stage and give everyone a heart attack. Seriously, I hate the idea and I think it's only fair if everyone hit him after that. Faking your death is one thing but making a show of fooling everyone is completely other.

"Annie's going to be so mad at you", I say when I let the curtain fall. "She's so tough she'll hate that you tricked her to look weak. If she wants to punch you in the face, I'll let her."

"Well, thanks for that, partner", Jane mutters.

"And by the way, Annie and Tommy both think I'm in love with someone. They want to meet the guy afterwards, they think it's pretty serious."

"Really?" Jane asks, his grin widening. "Well, that doesn't sound too bad."

"But of course, when they see who the guy is, they're going to think I'm crazy. Tommy already thinks I'm crazy for grieving over you for this long, so now he'll have more reasons to doubt my sanity. And they'll probably hate you forever after this."

"Why are you Lisbon's so aggressive and violent? Should they have some anger management too?" he says sighing dramatically and I slap him playfully.

"Yes, we are aggressive, you better get used to that if you want to be a part of the family!"

Jane lifts his gaze alert and I realize what I just said. There's a little awkward silence, I clear my throat and try to act like normal.

We've been together only for a few weeks now. Everything's still so raw and fresh and new and I shouldn't say things like that. Although he promised me that he's never going to leave me again, there's a small voice in my head saying to me, that I shouldn't get ahead of myself. He's still recovering from Red John's death, things might still go wrong…

"Uhm, well, I think I'll go and find everyone. The show is going to start soon, do you know where they went –"

"Teresa", he stops me gently and comes closer again. He lifts my chin with his two fingers and makes me look at him in the eye. "That reminds me of something. You remember, how I promised that I'd never leave you again?"

"Yes", I whisper, not even surprised anymore how quickly he reads my mind. "And you really should keep that promise, because –"

"Let me finish", he laughs and cuts me off. I swallow, my pulse quickening. "As I was saying, I promised that I'd never leave you again, and I'm going to keep that promise."

His face softens and he caresses my cheeks, making me instantly more relaxed.

"I know it's been only a few weeks since I came back, but I need you to know, that I'm never leaving you again. I couldn't, even if I wanted to. I've known you for years and loved you for such a long time. I don't need to date you for a few years to know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you, because I already know you so well. I already love you more than you probably understand."

I try to swallow the lump in my throat away as I nod to his words. He falls silent and I wonder if he waits for me to answer, but then to my surprise he slowly drops down on one knee –

Wait. No. No way, no –

My shock must show on my face, because his smile lights his whole face as he takes a little box from his pocket. I can't think, I just stare at his face not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

"I know this is a bit early and if you're not ready, then I'll wait. A year, five years, even another ten years. Because like I said, I'm never leaving again."

He smiles at me so heart-breakingly that I just want to burst into tears.

"Teresa, will you marry me?"

I can't believe this is happening. That he's down on his knee, asking me to marry him. Only a month ago I thought he was dead and I'd never get to tell him that I loved him.

And now…

I take a deep breath and try to calm down. If I think this through, I know getting married this quickly is really reckless. It's stupid and I shouldn't say yes. It's been so little time since he rose from the dead that I have to think this through. I'm too overwhelmed with emotions, I have to calm down, I –

But just looking at his face I already know what I'm going to say, 'cause who am I fooling? I've loved him for years now, nothing's going to change that. Even his death couldn't tear us apart. If he wants to stay with me forever, I'm more than glad to take it.

And I know this may be stupid and everyone will think I'm crazy by saying yes, but I'm used to that. With him, nothing goes the normal way. With him, everything is crazy, nothing makes sense. It's just the way he is, it's just the way we've been all these years.

And I love him for that.

"Well, are you going to answer me?" he jokes giving me one of his dazzling smiles. "My legs are hurting if I have to stay down here much longer."

"No, I'm not going to answer. You must've read my thoughts already, so what's the point?"

He gives me a little pout.

"Come on Teresa, I ask this only once so it would be nice to answer and not to ruin the great moment."

I make a face. He knows I hate all this romantic crap but just looking at his puppy eyes and that smile…

Oh, who am I kidding, I'm such a sucker for happy endings.

"Yes", I whisper and he takes my hand and carefully places the beautiful emerald ring to my ring finger. I'm having trouble breathing, I'm so happy. Not that I'm going to admit it.

"Was that the answer you were waiting for?" I ask teasingly as he rises to meet my eyes and wraps his arms around my waist. "Or did I manage to surprise you?"

"I know you better than you know yourself", he says cupping my face. "But you still never cease to surprise me in your own way."

He kisses me and this time I don't even try to stop him. His lips are so soft and urgent on mine and my heart feels like bursting with emotions. I pull his face closer to mine, kissing him desperately and he smiles against my lips as he pulls my body closer to his. The warmth of his body makes me shiver, as I bury my fingers into his hair and -

"Hey guys, get a room."

Cho's voice makes us both jump. I hastily break away from Jane's arms, my hair a bit disheveled and my lips swollen. I'm blushing, but Jane's just smiling even wider. I know he loves to see me embarrassed and if he makes a joke, I'm going to punch him.

"You almost ruined the big moment", Jane just says easily and puts his hand on the small of my back, gently pushing me forward. Automatically I hide my hands behind my back and I rather feel than see him rolling his eyes.

"What?" Van Pelt asks excitedly, her eyes fixed on my face. She still tries her best to ignore Jane as much as she can. I know she's happy that Jane is alive and she's more than happy that we're a couple now, but I understand why she still acts like she's angry with him. "What's going on?"

"Well…", I mutter not really knowing how to tell this, but luckily our party's presenter saves me. His voice echoes from the other side of the curtain, talking about the upcoming memory speech.

"Hey, it's your time", I say to the team, ushering them to the side of the stage. "You go in already, I'll be there in just a minute."

They all start to make their way to the stage and I turn to look at Jane.

"Shouldn't we delay this ceremony just a little longer?" he asks taking my hands and pulling me once again against his chest. Instantly I melt against him. This feels so right, it's like I've been made for his arms, I fit them perfectly. "I mean, I can rise from the dead later. Right now I'd like to have you and me running away from here and having a little private celebration –"

"Stop it", I say giggling. "We won't delay this. We have all night to celebrate after this."

His grin widens but I raise my hand against his chest and push him away.

"But right now you have to rise from the dead. Or do you want me to walk around the hall telling about my engagement to a dead man? I don't think Annie and Tommy would like that." I wave my ring finger in front of his face. "But when you think about it, they probably think I'm an idiot either way. Getting engaged to the dead you or alive you. It might be possible that they think I'm crazier choosing the alive version than the dead one."

I wait for him to pout or act grumpy or hurt, but instead he just keeps on grinning. It's like nothing's going to wipe that grin away from his face tonight. I love this new Jane, this free and content Jane, whose smiles always reaches the eyes.

"Don't try to fool me, Teresa", he says and eyes me up and down again. "Tonight I'll show you what the dead me can't do. Then I'll ask again, which one you'll choose."

Oh God, we're like teenagers. But right now that doesn't even bother me, I'm too happy.

Then Van Pelt calls me to the stage and I step closer to the curtain. I turn to look at Jane.

"See you on the other side", I say to him. "You'll be right behind me."

"No", he says and for a moment we just stare at each other. Shivers run down my spine. What does he mean, no? Isn't he going to come? "I won't be right behind you. We won't see on the other side."

My heartbeat quickens. I can't help but feel scared. I remember our conversation over a year ago. I remember my fear then and -

He steps forward, right next to me, and takes my hand and brings it to his lips.

"Because I'll never leave you again. We'll go together."

I want to slap him. But then, I want to kiss him.

"Together", I say and smile at him. And as I pull the curtain aside, we step into our future, my hand never leaving his.


End file.
